


Strange Feelings

by alexdamien



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: F/F, Nyotalia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-14 23:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2207076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexdamien/pseuds/alexdamien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nyotalia Pruaus Human Highschool AU where Austria discovers that her feelings for Prussia are different than she had ever expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strange Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Secret Santa written for Princesscaiters at tumblr.
> 
> Huge thanks to Romano-Is-Crying for providing fantastic editing and critique for this fic, and to Searching-For-Mercury for explaining to me how american highschools work.  
> Without their help, this fic would have probably never seen the light of day.

1

 

Annelisse’s hands were so cold, she could barely move her fingers as she turned the pages of her scheduler. She had her Calculus tutor at four, and then her English tutor at five. If she hurried with her homework after that, she could probably squeeze in a couple hours of piano practice. She sipped her tea. She had to try and get as much practice as she could before her recital next month, but with second evaluations coming up soon, her parents wouldn’t like it if she spent too much time at the piano.

A tall, lean girl sat in front of her and slammed down her lunchbox.

“Hey, little miss,” said Julchen with a smirk. “May I accompany your highness?”

Annelisse gave her a look of disgust. “You may sit in front of me,” she said, and looked back to her scheduler.

“My, you’re in such a good mood today,” said Julchen, taking out a sandwich from her lunchbox with little cute birds printed on it. She bit her sandwich. “Why the change?” she mumbled, still chewing.

“Ugh. Don’t speak when you’re chewing. It’s disgusting. And I merely do not have the patience to care about how close you sit to me.”

Julchen made a face of annoyance and rolled her eyes, but kept on eating her sandwich in silence. Annelisse tapped her perfectly manicured nails on her scheduler. Waiting. Expecting.

“Hola! Hola! How have you been doing my dears?” said Antonieta, sitting next to Julchen and setting down her tray. Annelisse saw that she had chosen the pasta dish from the cafeteria, unlike her, who had chosen the meat loaf.

“Fine. Why weren’t you at English class?” asked Julchen.

Antonieta giggled. “Ah, beauty naps are far more essential than English lessons.”

“Are you serious? This is why you’re failing English!” said Julchen, grabbing at the lapels of Antonieta’s coat and shaking her.

“¡Santo dios! I didn’t come here to get scolded!” yelled Antonieta, wrapping her hands around Julchen’s throat.

In front of them, Annelisse poked at her food while she pondered the pros and cons of taking a photo of them, but before she could make up her mind, they had let go of each other.

“Now, while your banter is almost entertaining,” said Annelisse, picking up her tea cup. “I’d like to know what you want from me.”

Julchen blushed and glared at her. “Excuse me?” she asked, nearly growling.

Annelisse let her lips rise in a proud smile at how she had guessed her intentions.

“You never sit with me, so you clearly want something,” she said.

“Tsk, fine, fine. Look, you know my baby sister Monika?” said Julchen, leaning closer to Annelisse, who lifted an elegant eyebrow, for if 6 feet and 6 inches of muscly German blonde could be considered a baby she was ready to accept anything in life; but knowing how protective Julchen was of her sister, she decided to not mention it.

“Yes, what about her?” asked Annelisse. Julchen would probably wax poetic about all the great qualities of her sister if she let her.

“She’s taking a calligraphy class,” said Julchen, in a low voice, as if she didn’t want anyone to hear her. “But she’s not very good yet, so she needs help. If you could help her-“

“I can’t. I’m too busy,” said Annelisse, with a dismissive wave of her hand.

“What?! You can’t be serious,” said Julchen, grabbing her hand.

Annelisse’s heart jumped, and she pulled her hand back from Julchen’s grasp. “I have too much to do, to help your sister with calligraphy lessons,” she said, looking away.

“It wouldn’t take too long! She’s really smart, she just needs a little help, it’s not like you’re going to tutor her for the rest of the year! I could even pay you back somehow. Here, I brought this for you!” she rummaged in her lunchbox and then set an ugly piece of cake in front of her. “I could bake you an entire cake. All of it. You like cake, right?”

Annelisse pushed away the foil cover around the cake. It had to be the saddest piece of cake she had ever seen. “It’s not about that. I really have no free time right now.”

Julchen pouted, determination shining in her eyes. “Think about it. Seriously. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“No, Julchen there is nothing to-“ tried to say Annelisse, but Julchen jumped out of her seat.

“Naaaahh your words can’t reach me now!” she said as she picked up her lunchbox, snatched Annelisse’s pudding cup, and fled.

 “She still doesn’t listen to anybody. And she stole my dessert!” complained Annelisse, gritting her teeth.

Antonieta smiled at her. “She’s just really worried about Monika. You know how she gets. The smallest thing happens to her, and she goes ballistic,” she said, and finished eating her pasta. Annelisse looked down at her own tray. She had barely touched her food, and knew that Antonieta wouldn’t fail to notice it. For all that she looked like a dimwit, she was far too perceptive for Annelisse’s tastes.

“Monika is not a little child anymore. She has to stop cooing around her like an obsessive mother,” said Annelise, and stabbed a piece of the cake with her fork. It looked fine for something that had spent all morning bouncing around in Julchen’s lunchbox. She decided to give it a try and ate it.

Her face contorted in disgust and the fork fell off her hand.

“Not good?” asked Antonieta, hiding her smirk behind her hand. Annelisse wanted to glare at her, but all her strength was being used in trying to not spit out the cake in her mouth. It was like chewing a piece of cold mud. She closed her eyes, clenched her fists, and swallowed. After a deep breath, she washed it down with the rest of her tea.

“Awful. I have never tasted something this terrible,” she said, breathing deeply.

Antonieta laughed. “Aw, and she put so much effort into it yesterday.”

“Her effort tastes like mud and grime. Even if I had the time to help Monika, after this, I wouldn’t do it,” said Annelisse, wiping her mouth with a napkin.

“Really? But what if she makes you eat more of it?” said Antonieta, smiling with a slight cruelty.

“Was this your idea?” asked Annelisse. She wouldn’t put it past Antonieta to try something like that.

“Of course not!” said Antonieta, laughing.  “I merely told her, if she was going to ask anything of you, she should at least bring a gift for you.”

Someone touched Annelisse’s shoulder, and she looked up to see Mátyáz, her boyfriend and captain of the swimming club.

“Hi honey,” he said, with his heavy Hungarian accent still showing.

After a second, Annelisse remembered to smile at him. “Hi, did they change your schedule again?” she asked, turning her attention back to her tray.

Mátyáz sat down next to her and gave her a single pink flower. “Yes. They keep changing the substitute teachers and messing up everyone’s schedule,” he said. “I don’t mind it, because I get more time to practice at the pool though. Hey Antonieta. How’s Lovina?”

Antonieta’s face brightened at the mention of her girlfriend, and Annelisse felt something settle in her chest. She fiddled with the white gold ring on her left hand.

“She’s still in Italy,” said Antonieta, and pushed a lock of curly brown hair off her face. “But she’s coming back tomorrow morning. Her grandmother’s recovering fast and she’s already been discharged from the hospital.”

“Great. What happened to her? I heard Felicia say she had an accident?” asked Mátyáz

“Yeah. She fell from a table at a bar.” Antonieta smiled and drank the rest of her soda.

“What?”

“I don’t know the details,” said Antonieta, shrugging. “But she picked a fight with someone at a bar. She won, but then she climbed a table to celebrate and the table couldn’t hold her weight. At least that’s what Lovina told me.” She giggled. “She really should stop picking fights like that, but she’s such an energetic lady.”

“Ah…I see. Well, at least she’s recovering fast,” said Mátyáz with an uncomfortable smile.

Antonieta nodded and got up. “Well, I gotta get going. I have to finish my math homework before class, which is in,” she looked at her watch. “Ten minutes, well, well. Gotta get going.”

Mátyáz waved at her, but Annelisse just glared at her cold food, and kept turning the ring on her hand.

“I’ve told you to not mention Lovina,” she said, once Antonieta was gone.

“Ann, come on.”

“I just don’t want to talk about it.”

“You’re overreacting. So what if they’re girlfriends?”

“I don’t have anything against it, I just don’t want to mention it, alright?”

Mátyáz sighed. “Fine. Geez, you’re in such a bad mood. What did Jul do to you?”

“Nothing,” said Annalisse. She put her schedule on her book bag. “Were you watching us?” Of course he was. She had focused so much on Antonieta that she had forgotten the eyes of the world were on her. Everybody looked. Everybody gossiped.

“The guys saw you three sitting together. I thought it was weird since you always like to eat alone. That’s all,” he said.

“Hm. I can imagine what they must have been saying.”

“Anne stop. It was just odd that Jul was eating with you, alright? You have to stop being so paranoid.”

“I’m not paranoid,” she said with her sweetest voice. She closed her bag, and saw a few of the swim team guys sitting in the corner, looking at them. “I just like to control what is being said of me, that’s all,” she smiled at him, kissed him on the cheek, and stood up. “I have to go to class now. See you later.”

She picked up her tray and threw everything she had left to the trash. She couldn’t stomach anything after that cake. Or even before it.

The pressure she was used to, but that feeling in her stomach when she got close to Mátyáz… _that_ was becoming more unbearable with every passing day.

 

2

 

Antonieta hurried up the stairs, carrying her book bag. She found Julchen eating the pudding cup under the stairs of the second floor.

“Let me copy your math homework!” said Antonieta.

 Julchen grabbed the notebook on the floor next to her, and threw it at Antonieta. “There. What did she say after I left?”

Antonieta sat down next to her carefully, and took out her own notebook. “That your cake was disgusting.”

“What?! Bullshit! It was awesome cake!” She threw the empty pudding cup to the trash nearby.

“But apparently so was all the cafeteria food, because she didn’t have a single bite.”

“She could have given it to me! Ugh, I’m hungryyy,” whined Julchen, leaning against Antonieta.

“I brought some chocolate bars, they’re in my locker if you want them. Also, Mátyáz showed up.”

“Y-yeah? As if I care,” said Julchen, kicking he book bag.

“You care more than Anne does, to be honest. He stood there for like almost a minute before she even said Hi.”

Julchen scoffed. “Whatever,” she said, and got up. “Just…whatever, yeah.” She ran to class.

“Wait! Your notebook! Dammit!” called Antonieta, and hurried to finish copying.

 

3

 

The next day, Annelisse stood in line at the cafeteria. There was pasta, and pizza, and all she wanted to do was go back home and sleep. Sleep and not wake up.

“Hey, little miss,” said Julchen, getting in line behind her, grinning and clutching her little birds lunchbox.

The guy behind her got angry. “Hey, no getting in line!” he yelled. Julchen  turned around and flipped him off.

“Shut it jerk, I ain’t buying anything so stop complaining!” she turned back to Annelisse. “So, did you think about it? It would just be a few classes. Monika is super smart, she just needs someone to correct her a little.”

“Julchen, I already told you, I don’t have any free time,” said Annelisse. She chose pizza, tea, and picked two chocolate pudding cups.

“Come on! I bet you can squeeze in half an hour here or there. ”

Annelisse paid, and took her tray to a table in the corner. Julchen followed her, smirking as if she was sure she could convince Annelisse.

“You never know when to stop, do you?” said Annelisse. She picked the pudding cup and put it in front of Julchen. “Here, stop stealing my dessert.”

“Gawd, I steal your pudding once, and you think I’m always stealing food!” complained Julchen, but took the pudding anyway.

Annelisse sighed. Dealing with Julchen was always so annoying.

“Hello, mes amis!” said a voice behind Annelisse, and she turned to see Francine walking up to them, with Antonieta in tow. “I missed all of you this past week,” she said, and Annelisse lifted her eyebrows at that.

They had barely spoken since Annelisse decided to not pursue a career in modeling last year.

“Yeah, yeah, I know how you missed us. I saw your instagram. Nice time in Paris, uh?” said Julchen.

“There were so many gorgeous people, you have no idea,” said Francine, fanning herself.

She still wore that silly brooch that looked like a golden crown, and Annelisse was suddenly reminded of all those castings where Francine had been picked instead of her. She remembered the cold feeling of sitting there and knowing she wasn’t enough.

“Were you in Paris?” asked Annelisse, even though she knew that very well. She wanted Francine to tell her all about it so Annelisse could show her that she didn’t even care enough about her to listen to the gossiping in the hallways about how her modeling career was skyrocketing.

“Yes, for a week filming a commercial,” she said, rummaging through her Louis Vuitton bag. “Ah, here. I brought you all keychains! Mom totally didn’t let me spend enough money there!”

She gave one with a small bird to Julchen, two with red roses to Antonieta, and one with a piano to Annelisse. They all said Paris underneath.

“This is great! Now Lovina and I can match! Thank you!” said Antonieta, smiling.

“Oh, my god! It’s beautiful Francine, thank you, I love it!” said Julchen, and immediately attached it to her lunchbox.

Annelisse looked down at her own keychain. Francine had indeed thought of her in Paris. Was this a trap? To guilt trip her? Yes, it had to be.

“It’s beautiful Francine, thank you,” she said, and dropped it in her bag.

“It’s nothing. Anyway, did I miss anything this week?” asked Francine, unpacking her lunch, a salad with lots of green leafy vegetables and mineral water.

 Annelisse almost smiled when she remembered her own diets back during her time as a model. She looked down at her untouched pizza, french fries and pudding cup. She felt light headed and nauseous. If she thought about it, she used to eat more back then, and that worried her a little.

“Nothing really,” said Antonieta.

Julchen elbowed her. “You slept through half the classes, how would you know?” she said, then turned to Francine. “We have a history test next week, and I’ve been emailing you all your homework. Haven’t you checked that?”

Francine whined. “I read all your emails. I meant missing something interesting. I wanted to gossip Jul!”

“You haven’t done any homework!” she said, pointing at Francine with her fork.

“You’re too strict with that. No wonder Monika’s on the honor roll. Poor girl.” Francine put a hand to her chest in mock sadness.

“Hey, don’t you mention my little sister, ok?”

Mátyáz walked up to them. “Hey,” he said, and the others waved and said hi too.

Annelisse gave him a sweet smile, but couldn’t stomach the idea of trying to kiss him even on the cheek.

“Sorry for interrupting,” he said. “I brought you something, I thought you might like it,” he left a tiny, delicate tiramisu on the table for Annelisse.

“And you didn’t bring anything for us? How rude, do you want us all to be jealous?” said Francine, pretending to be angry.

“Sorry. I’ll bring you all something next time. Now I gotta go to practice. See ya later!”

He left, and Annelisse stared at the tiramisu. It was delicate, and beautiful, and Annelisse hated it.

“He’s gets more ripped every time I see him. I’m already jealous,” said Francine.

They would all expect Annelisse to eat it, and she could feel their expectation, even if they didn’t look at her. Or was she imagining that? Was she becoming paranoid like Mátyáz said?

“How about we all eat it?” said Annelisse, putting it in the middle of the table. “I’m not hungry. I haven’t felt very well since I ate something disgusting yesterday,” she said, glaring at Julchen.

“Hey, I put a lot of effort into that cake!”

Francine clapped her hands. “Let’s forget about any disgusting things, and share this deliciousness!”

They cut the pastry into four parts, and each took one. Annelisse’s was small enough that she could eat it, and none of them mentioned the fact that she left everything else.

The remaining classes passed by, the hours crawling so slow, Annelisse thought the day would never end. She remembered today was the last day that she would have her Calculus tutor. That meant an extra hour of piano practice tomorrow if her parents didn’t come home early. Yesterday they had stopped her from practicing after half past eight. That wasn’t enough practice.

The bell rang.

She picked up her things and hurried out. If she left fast enough, Mátyáz wouldn’t have time to catch up with her before she left. She reached the stairs and heard someone whistling above her. She looked up and Julchen slid down the rail to reach her.

“What are you doing?! That’s dangerous!” said Annelisse.

Julchen smirked. She had a bunch of lollipops on her hands. “Look what I got!”

“Idiot. I’m busy, bye,” she said, and started down the stairs.

Julchen followed her. “Come on, don’t you like candy? Everyone likes candy!” she said, walking after her. “And you can have all of these! All!” she called as they exited the school and Annelisse walked towards where she knew her driver waited for her.

“Julchen, my decision is final. I’m not helping Monika. I can’t.”

She turned to add a glare to her words, and found Julchen kissing a lollipop. Before she could move, Julchen shoved it in Annelisse’s mouth.

“I have like, thirty of these! They’re delicious. Think about it,” she pulled out a bunch of lollipops from her book bag and shoved them into Annelisse’s hands They were all round and bright in a bunch of different colors. “You can have them all, just for an hour or two helping my sweet little sister, how’s that?”

“…Fine,” said Annelisse, unable to say anything else. She could only think about how Julchen’s lips moved when she spoke.

“W-what? Really? For real?” asked Julchen, grinning. Annelisse nodded. “Fantastic!” she dug around her book bag looking for more lollipops. “You just tell me the hour and I’ll tell Monika, ok? See you!”

Annelisse looked at her run away. Julchen was always running, always moving. Even when she stayed still, there was a speed to her very being that Annelisse couldn’t understand. She took the lollipop out of her mouth and looked down at it. It was red, like Julchen’s eyes when she looked up at the sky. The memory came back to her easily, like the feeling of piano keys under her fingers. Like something she had kept close to her all these years.

She knelt down and picked up the lollipops that had slipped through her fingers. A few people stopped to stare, but she didn’t care. She picked them all and ran to the car where her driver waited for her. He, too, must have seen her talking to Julchen, but she was too tired to care.

 

4

 

The next day arrived too fast for Annelisse. Night had flown by in between constant glances at the clock and half formed worries about this and that whispering in her mind.

 She walked through the halls with a bag full of lollipops. She had homeroom now, but honestly, she could barely stomach the idea of seeing anyone right now. She sighed, and walked to the third floor, where they kept the old piano. She made sure no one was looking, and closed the door behind her. Thankfully this room isolated the sound very well, so there wouldn’t be much trouble if she played here, instead of in the auditorium. She left her book bag on the floor, and sat down in front of the piano. The cover was full of dust, and she lifted it carefully, trying to not let her disgust for the dirt stop her.

It was just as she remembered years ago, when she started highschool. She played a few scales, to check if everything was alright with it, and started playing. She was going to play Swan Lake for her recital next month, and her playing was still so flawed. She looked at her hands and thought of giving up and telling Miss Rose that she just couldn’t play next month. She would be angry at her, of course, but she wouldn’t do anything to her, and her mother would probably be pleased that she had taken off another source of stress before the evaluations. She still had to start preparing her applications for college, and check which ones her mother had liked the best. That needed time that piano took away from her.

She put her hands on the keys and reveled on the coldness of them. It was a feeling like coming home. Except not, she thought with a slight smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. This was probably what coming home should feel like. A calmness and a rest of something inside her. The sounds of the notes filled her ears and she thought that maybe she could make a few changes to that small tune she had been thinking off lately. She took out a score sheet, and wrote down the tune. She had probably already written it somewhere else before, but she couldn’t find the pages now, and she knew the notes by heart.

“Well little lady, here you are,” said a mocking voice from the door, and Annelisse almost jumped from her seat. Julchen stood at the door, closing it carefully behind her.

“What do you want?” asked Annelisse.

“A little bird told me you weren’t in class,” she said.

On top of Julchen’s head something yellow moved, and Annelisse made a face of disgust. How could Julchen just stand having that bird just sitting in her head like that. The amusement at how well she had trained him had long faded, and now Annelisse only marveled at the fact that the bird didn’t shit on her all the time.

“Tell your birds to mind their own business,” said Annelisse, arranging the bunch of score sheets she had on her hands. Julchen sat down next to her, and the bird on her head flew down in front of them.

“My little Gilly does,” said Julchen, rubbing the little bird’s head. “Francine, though, doesn’t. She said you weren’t  in class, so I told the teacher I was going to the bathroom and went looking for the little lady.”

“Francine is far too invested in the lives of others. If she put all that energy into modeling, she would already be in New York,” said Annelisse.

Julchen touched the keys and played a little, looking amazed at the sounds each of them made. “She’s on her way there, no sense in rushing,” she said, grinning at Annelisse. “And you?”

“What?”

“Are you going to be a great pianist soon?”

Annelisse sighed. “I don’t think so. I’m just practicing for my recital next month.”

Julchen nodded, and pressed a few more keys with childlike curiosity. The little bird flew back to her head. “When can you see Monika? She has practice with the football team at three.”

Annelisse thought back on her schedule book. “At five in your house. I only have an hour free, though.”

Julchen jumped off the seat. “That’s fine. That’s enough for her. She’s very smart, she’s-“

“A genius, I know, I know,” said Annelisse, shaking her head a little. She had lost count of how many times she had heard Julchen talk about how great her sister was.

“You don’t believe it, but she is. You’ll see it! Kesesese!” she turned to get out of the room, when the door opened, and Mátyáz came in.

“Oh, Julchen,” he said with a look of annoyance.

“H-hey big guy. Found your princess. Now take care of her because I have to leave,” she said, and ran out.

Annelisse saw how Mátyáz glared at her retreating back. She sighed, and started putting all her things inside her book bag.

“Ivana said you weren’t in homeroom,” he said.

Annelisse lowered the cover of the piano. “Everybody seems to be concerned about where I am at every single moment. And you said I was being paranoid.”

“It’s not that people are always after you Anne. You’ve just been acting very weird lately. It worries people. It worries _me_.”

 “Yes, yes, and as soon as you step out of line, all eyes are in you. I know.” She closed her bag.

Mátyáz stood next to her, and Annelisse looked up at him. She should probably kiss him. Maybe lean into him. The idea made her stomach turn, so instead she didn’t move, even when she saw Mátyáz’s expectations crashing in his face. He stepped aside to let her get up from the stool without having to get closer to him.

“I know you don’t love me, but pretending isn’t so hard, is it?” he said in a soft voice, trying to mask how hurt he was.

“It is,” said Annelisse, feeling all the strength leave her. She could barely lift her book bag. “It is too hard for me,” she looked down at the engagement ring on her left hand. It felt like wearing a contract on her hand at all times. A promise, her mother had said. That soon they would marry and both their family companies would merge. Just as soon as everything was ready and they were old enough. Annelisse hated promises. She hated how cold they felt against her skin.

Mátyáz leaned closer to her touching her shoulder. “Anne, I-“

Annelisse recoiled, stepping away from him.

“I never thought…,” said Mátyáz, holding his hand against his chest as if he had been burned. “I knew you didn’t love me, but I didn’t think you found me this repulsive,” he said, walking away.

The feeling of wanting to cry felt like a hand closing around Annelisse’s neck. Slowly. Painfully. “It’s not that!” she said.

“Then what is it?!” asked Mátyáz, but Annelisse didn’t have any answer for him. He looked down, and left.

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t love you. I really wish I could._

 

5

 

Annelisse’s eyes almost burned as she waited outside the Beilschmidt house. She looked at her reflection once more to make sure they weren’t red.

“I’m coming!” she heard Julchen call from inside. A moment later, she opened the door with a wide grin. “Welcome, little miss!” she said.

Annelisse pushed her away and walked inside. “Where’s Monika?”

“In her room, getting everything ready. Come here,” she motioned for Annelisse to follow her upstairs. Annelisse noticed she wore tight black pants and an old worn beige sweater. It had a couple holes on the back, which was probably why she had never worn it at school.

“Your sweater has holes,” said Annelisse.

“Stop looking at my ass,” replied Julchen, without even looking down at her.

“What?!”

“I know where the holes are m’lady.”

Annelisse gritted her teeth, and focused on looking at the carpet until they reached Monika’s room. The door was open, and she saw that Monika was putting books away in a hurry. Her hair was damp, which puzzled Annelisse until she remembered about the football training.

“Your tutor’s here,” said Julchen in a mocking tone. Monika stood straight, as if unsure of what to do.

“H-hi Annelisse. Thank you for coming,” she finally said, and Annelise stepped into the room.

“Hi Monika”

Julchen laughed. “You two have fun. I’ll bring something to eat,” she said, and left.

Monika cleared her throat and signaled to the desk. She had grown far more than Annelisse remembered, and the muscles on her arms made her look like a lost valkyrie. Huge and vaguely menacing.

“Please sit down. My main problem is Copperplate,” she said, showing Annelisse some of her class practice.

Annelisse nodded. She saw some of her attempts with broad pen in Old English calligraphy and they were very good except for a couple curves. She set it aside. Those were problems she could solve with a little more practice. She looked at the copperplate practice sheets and frowned. They were almost illegible. They had a lot to work on.

“Show me how you hold the pen,” she said, and took out a straight pen. She held it roughly, and Annelisse had to start from there. After that she asked her to write her name instructing her in how to vary the pressure. Annelisse left the sheets that Monika had given her on the side of the desk, and saw a notebook with a bunch of pages roughly shoved inside.

“Are these your other practice sheets?” she asked.

“No, that’s something my sister did. She tried to help me, but…Copperplate is difficult, and she doesn’t have much patience.”

Annelisse opened the notebook and looked at the words. The lines were uneven and ugly, with small blotches of ink here and there. Even some of the words were misspelled, while others had been crossed out with rage. The last page read “Fuck caligraphi” with the ugliest flourish underneath that Annelisse had ever seen. A laugh escaped her.

“It looks like her,” she said, tracing the lines with the tip of her finger. Harsh and rough, and beautiful in a passionate way. She closed the notebook. “Let’s rest for a minute,” she said and stood up. 

Julchen came into the room with a tray full of cookies and tea in one hand, and the phone in the other. “Yes mom, she’s here. Hold on,” she said, and gave the phone to Monika. “It’s mom, she wants to know something about some papers in her study,” she said.

Monika took the phone and excused herself, walking to the study.

Julchen sat down and gave Annelisse a mug. “Mom’s in Italy heping Lovina’s grandma. That woman will keep drinking and flirting with guys ’til she’s ninety, seriously. It drives mom crazy.”

“I’ve heard she’s a very…wild woman.”

“Wild would be a great way to describe her,” said Julchen, picking a cookie and shoving it all in her mouth.

Annelisse stared at her fingers, so close to her lips. She wondered if they were soft and cold like hers. The idea felt wrong. Julchen didn’t seem like the kind of person to have soft hands. Perhaps they would be rough and dry and harsh against Annelisse’s own fingers, should she ever touch them.

“Why are you staring at my hands?” asked Julchen, startling Annelisse. She took a sip of her tea, her mind racing for an excuse.

“I was just wondering if there was something wrong with them, seeing how ugly your calligraphy is,” she said, pointing at the notebook on the desk.

Julchen growled. “Calligraphy is stupid. I have awesome hands, you should look at my handwriting,” she said, standing up and running to her room. She ran back with her English notebook. “Look! Look closely and be amazed at my beautiful handwriting!” she said, pushing Annelisse forward, standing so close to her that Annelisse could smell the lingering scent of whatever perfume she had put on in the morning. Something woody and earthy and fresh.

Annelisse swallowed the knot on her throat and forced herself to look at the writing on the page. The letters were indeed clear and even, almost perfect. Straight simple lines of equal thickness. It didn’t seem like something that belonged to her.

“It’s weird,” she said.

Julchen stepped back. “Weird?”

“I thought your writing would be more…like you. Not so…formal and straight.”

Julchen blinked at her, and suddenly started laughing so hard, she held on to her stomach.

Annelisse glared at her. “What’s so funny?”

Julchen had to recover her breath before speaking. “S-so I’m not, formal or straight?”

Annelisse blushed, and threw the notebook at her.

 

6

 

That evening after coming back home, Annelisse practiced on the piano. She touched played and played, but when she closed her eyes, all she saw were those rows of perfect handwriting, devoid of any personality. She breathed deeply and stopped playing. The silence fell around her, heavy and cold. She looked at the score sheets in front of her and wondered if she played the way Julchen wrote. Strictly, disciplinedly, and devoid of any soul. She turned the pages, wondering where the idea of souls had come to her.

“That’s really nice, Annie,” said her mom from the door. “Now that’s enough. Come, let’s have dinner.”

Annelisse looked at the clock on the wall. It was already past nine, yet she hadn’t felt time pass at all. She grabbed the music sheets and straightened them so they would fit in her already full folder. She flipped through a few, seeing comments in the margins, corrections in between the lines, and small ideas written in the little corners that were left blank. She left it in her room and went to the dinner hall, where her mom kissed her temple.

“How was your day dear?” she asked.

“Fine. I’m not hungry, I already ate,” she lied.

“Really? Well, I also ate some sushi at work, so I’m not very hungry either. Let’s just have some tea and cookies.”

Annelisse sat down across the table from her mom and sips her tea. Her mom ate every cookie in little bites, and by the time she finishes one, Julchen would have probably eaten the entire bag. She almost smiled at the thought, so she bit her lip and frowned.

“Is something wrong?” asked her mom.

Annelisse shook her head. “No, nothing. I was just…thinking.”

“About what?”

“Just…Francine came back from Paris…”

“Oh, and she’s telling everyone how famous she’s becoming, isn’t she? Ah, she’s almost as annoying as her mother,” said her mom, arranging a stray lock of hair that had fallen from her bun. “Don’t pay attention to her. All beauty is fleeting. She is beautiful and vain now at sixteen, but what will she do when she’s thirty? Forty? The world is cruel and full of vain and shallow women who know nothing more than how to fake a smile.”

Annelisse clenched her fist so hard, her nails bit into her palms. “It’s not that mom.”

“Oh, I know why she’s annoying you. Really, you made the right decision to let go of those silly ideas of being a model. You are far more refined and elegant, not someone to appear in dumb teenage magazines. Don’t let Francine convince you that you’re less than her. That’s what she wants,” her mother reached across the table to grab her hand in hers. “Remember that you have a much brighter future than anything Francine could ever achieve. She will be so jealous when you marry Mátyáz and you merge both our families’ companies. You might not know it now, but you will be so happy, I promise.”

Something cold and heavy pressed against Annelisse’s chest.

A promise.

 

7

 

Annelisse had to use more makeup the next day to cover the bags under her eyes. In front of her locker, she looked at her schedule and counted the days until her recital. Just twenty left, and she hadn’t been practicing as much as she had hoped for. She shoved her schedule into her bag in a rage.

“Little lady!” said Julchen, draping an arm around Annelisse’s shoulders. “Will you be free for a class today? I brought something to convince you. They’re not as many as the other time, but they’re delicious,” she showed her a bunch of cheap lollipops. These were clear colorful flat discs that were probably just sugar and colorant. Annelisse took one, opened it and ate it. The rest she put in her bag.

“I’m free at 4,” she said.

Julchen laughed and patted her in the back. “Perfect! I’ll tell Monika.” She smelled of something different than yesterday. Something fresher and less woody. Yesterday she had smelled like a lazy afternoon at home, but now she smelled like she was ready to run through the halls.

Annelisse pushed her away. “What perfume do you wear?” she asked.

“Uh? I don’t know. It has a weird French name. Francine gave it to me for Christmas last year I think. You don’t like it?”

“It’s fine,” said Annelisse. In fact, it was more than fine. It was perfect for her. It was the smell that spring days running through the forest would smell like. It was what she smelled like when they were nine and Julchen stuck her tongue at her and threw dirt at her because she wouldn’t play with her. And how had Francine picked that exact perfume for her? Julchen had never thrown dirt at her, or pulled at her hair. Or had she?

Annelisse slammed her locker closed.

“That doesn’t sound like fine,” said Julchen.

“Would you be quiet? I have a headache, and you’re making it all worse,” said Annelisse, rubbing at her temples.

She breathed deeply and thought of Francine in twenty years. Would she still give Antonieta and Julchen perfumes for Christmas like she did every year? Would she be famous or would her career be over? It would probably be over, and she would work on her parents’ perfume store. Sort of like her, except that Annelisse would probably never even have a career as a pianist that could be over by then.

“You look pale,” said Julchen, pulling Annelisse’s face up by her chin to look at her carefully. “You should probably go see the nurse.”

“I’m fine Julchen.”

“Nuhu, don’t think so,” she said, pulling at her cheek.

“Stop that right now!”Annelisse tried to push her away, but Julchen just grinned and pulled at her cheeks even more.

“Let her go,” said a deep voice behind Julchen, who let go of Annelisse immediately. Mátyáz glared down at her. “Aren’t you too old to still be teasing her like that?”

“Ugh, calm down Mr. Knight in Shining Armor. I was just playing with her. Whatever, I’m leaving,” she shouldered her backpack and ran away, pushing away anyone who stood in her way.

Annelisse pouted, rubbing her swollen cheeks. “Thank you,” she said.

Mátyáz nodded, and they walked together. “Your mother called yesterday night,” he said, shoving his hands on his pockets. “She said that we should spend more time together because you seemed down yesterday.”

“Mhm.”

“You’re gonna have to tell her.”

“Tell her what?”asked Annelisse, pointedly not looking at him. She was going to hide in denial and he would have to drag her out kicking and screaming.

Mátyáz glared at her. “That we’re not going to get married”

“We’re not?”

“Anne, you don’t love me!” he said in a whisper, struggling not to lift his voice.

Annelisse stepped further away from him. “Our marriage would be more of a business contract than anything. I don’t see the problem. You yourself said that pretending wasn’t that hard.”

Mátyáz cringed at her words. “I was wrong,” he said, averting her eyes. “I realized that I can’t live my life like this. With someone repulsed to even touch more.”

“I’m not repulsed,” she said softly, crossing her arms over her chest. She wasn’t repulsed, she just…didn’t want to do it. Or maybe she was? She didn’t know, and she didn’t want to understand the dread she felt every time they were close.

“You’re just lying and lying. Honestly, do you think you could ever get to love me? Could you ever really feel anything for me?” he asked.

Annelisse looked at him, seeing how the light from the windows made his green eyes even brighter, and his brown hair shine golden. He was beautiful, and kind, and perfect.

And she didn’t love him.

She would never love him.

She looked down and shook her head. “I’m sorry,” she said in a whisper.

Mátyáz said nothing, and left.

 

8

 

Annelisse got to class five minutes later, but the teacher barely noticed her and merely motioned for her to get inside.

“Anne! Here! I saved you a seat!” called Francine, pointing to the empty seat next to her.

“Silence!” said the teacher. “Annelisse sit down already, you’re interrupting everyone.”

Annelisse nodded, and reluctantly went to sit next to Francine. But she would not pay attention to her. She had already spent too much energy thinking about her, and she was too tired. She took out one of the lollipops and focused on sweetening her day with cheap colored sugar.

In the middle of class, a small note fell into her desk, and when Annelisse looked at Francine, she grinned and signaled for her to open it.

_What’s your instagram? -_ The note read. Annelisse rubbed her temple. She felt yet another headache coming.

_I don’t have one. I don’t have any apps on my phone-_ she replied, hoping that Francine would be discouraged from asking about any other social network.

When Francine read the note she covered her mouth in over dramatized despair. She then dropped her pencil and when she reached down to grab it, she sneaked a hand inside Annelisse’s book bag and snatched her cell phone. Annelisse felt all color leave her face. She looked at the teacher, who continued talking, completely oblivious to anything going on in the back of the class. Annelisse tried to grab back her cell phone, but Francine scooted away from her just enough that Annelisse would have to be very obvious if she wanted her cell phone back. But if the teacher saw them, she would surely confiscate it, so Annelisse just stayed in her seat, glaring daggers at Francine.

It felt like the longest class Annelisse had ever had to sit through. When the bell rang, she bolted from her seat and snatched back her phone from Francine’s clutches.

“How dare you?!” she said through gritted teeth.

“You need to get on with the times Anne,” said Francine with an unapologetic smile. “I installed instagram on your phone and signed you up. Your username is @pianolady and your password is littlelady.”

“I don’t care about instagram! Can’t you understand that it’s wrong to steal and use other people’s phone?”

“You have it back, so it wasn’t technically stealing it.” Francine shrugged.

“Argh, you’re so annoying!” yelled Annelisse, finally losing her composure. She tried to grab at Francine’s neck, when strong arms pulled her away from Francine, and that fresh scent was back.

“Calm down, little lady. Fighting is for after school. Listen to the pros, alright? Now what’s the problem?” said Julchen.

Annelisse huffed and calmed down. “She stole my phone,” she said, picking up her bag.

Francine laughed and picked up her things. “I had only your best interests in mind dear. You need to face technology at some point, and now is the best moment to do anything,” she turned to Julchen. “I got her an instagram account. She’s @pianolady”

“Awesome! I’m gonna follow you now” said Julchen, and pulled out her cellphone.

“Stop it, I’m not even going to use it,” said Annelisse.

“Of course you are,” said Julchen, and snatched Annelisse’s phone and turned on the camera. “Let’s take a pic now!” she grabbed her shoulders and pressed close to her. Before Annelisse could react, she had already taken the photo. She pushed her away and grabbed her cell phone back.

“What are you doing?!”

“Upload it now, I’ll like it,” ordered Julchen.

“Well I don’t like it. I look like I’m half asleep!” said Annelisse

Antonieta knocked on the door. “Come on, let’s get going or lunch time will be over.”

They all walked out of the classroom. Annelisse’s phone vibrated with messages that she had been followed by two people. She sighed and gave up. She would have to upload the pic, or Julchen would never stop pestering her.

“What’s the damn hold up?” asked Lovina. She wore a tight skirt so short, Annelisse was pretty sure it was barely regulation length. “I’m hungry dammit!”

Antonieta hugged her, leaving feathery kisses down the side of her face, but Lovina pushed her away forcefully. “Not in public idiot!” she complained.

Next to them, Lovina’s sister Felicia laughed. She wore a skirt slightly longer than her, and lower heels too. Julchen saw her and immediately grabbed her hands.

“Felicia! What are you doing here?” she asked, all bright eyes and joy like a huge albino puppy.

“I’m waiting for Monika. We’re going to have lunch in the outside tables. I brought something for us,” she said, lifting a huge lunchbox.

“Ahh, that’s so great. I want a lunch made by you too,” whined Julchen.

Monika came running, and Felicia let go of Julchen to grab Monika’s hand.

“I’m sorry for being late. I had to pass by the teacher’s room,” she said, pushing up her glasses.

“Let’s go! Let’s go!” said Felicia, pulling at Monika’s sleeve.

Monika nodded apologetically at everyone and let herself be pulled by the tiny Italian.

“Aww, they’re so cute together, I can’t!” said Julchen.

Annelisse pushed her forward. They had already wasted too much time, and had to hurry to the lunch hall.

The line on the cafeteria wasn’t too long, thankfully. Annelisse found that she was much hungrier than she thought. Antonieta and Lovina chose pasta, like they usually did. Annelise looked at the options. Meatloaf, hamburgers, or pasta. She sighed and chose the pasta too. She had once chosen hamburgers and her stomach paid dearly for it. She also picked tea and two cups of chocolate pudding.

“I brought cake too,” said Julchen, clutching her lunchbox and grinning. Annelisse rolled her eyes at her.

“No, thank you,” she said, and turned to follow the others, but a tall pale figure blocked their path.

Taller even than Monika Ivana stood right in front of them. She looked down at them with a cold, childish smile. In her shadow stood her little brother Nathanyel, glaring at them like they were dirt under his shoes.

“Oh, how nice it is to see others forget old grievances and become friends,” she said in a soft voice. “Despite how much you hated each other, now you all even eat the same food. I’m so jealous, I wish you all became my friends too.”

Her brother stepped forward “You should sit with us. You should be friends with my sister,” he said, every word spoken in a tone of command.

Francine laughed “Oh, that would be great Ivana, but it seems your table is full,” she pointed to the side, where three pale, trembling girls sat looking at them with sullen eyes. “Maybe some other time, dear.”

She slipped past Ivana, and they all followed her. Annelisse could feel the weight of her cold gaze behind her when she walked past.

“Oh, Julchen, you look so good today,” suddenly said Ivana, when Julchen walked past. “I almost didn’t notice your scar. You’re becoming so good with makeup,” she said, and walked away.

Annelisse grabbed Julchen’s arm. “Don’t listen to her,” she whispered, but Julchen was trembling with barely repressed fury.

“That fucking-“ she muttered.

“She wants you to go after her. Don’t let her play with you,” whispered Annelisse.

Julchen took a deep breath and kept walking. The mood at the table when they all sat down had darkened.

Francine opened the box with her salad. “She’s been so much worse since her father’s divorce. This is his second, she should have learned to deal with it better than by intimidating people. Especially her ex siblings,” she said, putting the dressing on her salad. “But it must be hard on her. One day they’re family and the next they’re not. It’s kind of sad.”

“Sad? The other day she made that Ravisa girl cry,” said Julchen. I don’t know why, but when I entered the bathroom, that poor girl was bawling her eyes out. One of these days I’m gonna punch out that damn grin of hers.”

“Shut up. If she hears you, she might try to hit you first,” said Annelise, and gave her the second pudding cup.

“I’d like to see her try,” said Julchen, glaring at Ivana’s table.

Annelisse sighed and looked down at her phone. She decided to follow back Francine and Julchen on instagram anyway. She would probably get bored with the whole thing and delete it later, but for now she was curious about their photos. She looked through Francine’s photos of Paris, and London, and the school, and of different castings, and suddenly came upon a few photos of her next to a plain blonde boy dressed up as a lobby boy. He was smiling shyly, sometimes blushing, and in one, Francine was kissing his cheek while he hid his face.

Francine’s eyes seemed so much brighter, and her smile so much more truthful when she was next to him, but there were very few photos of them together. Six, in fact, and in every single one he was dressed up in a hotel uniform.

“She’s fucking waving at us,” muttered Lovina, from her hiding place behind Antonieta.

Annelisse looked up in time to see Ivana smiling at them. Next to her, Nathanyel looked at them like someone who is carefully considering the best way to get rid of a pest.

 

9

 

That afternoon, Annelisse showed up at Julchen’s house at four. Julchen opened the door wearing ripped jeans, a huge sweater with tiny birds printed on it, and an actual bird on her head.

“Hey! Come in. Monika’s on the phone with Felicia, I hope you don’t mind waiting a little bit,” she said, letting Annelisse into the house. “I have cookies if you want some.”

“A while ago you would have rather punched me in the face than invite me in and give me cookies,” said Annelisse, sitting down at the kitchen table.

“Are you thinking about what Ivana said? She’s a jerk with a smiling face,” said Julchen and put a plate with cookies in front of Annelisse. “One day I’m gonna get her back for all the things she’s said about my face.”

Annelisse’s gaze traveled to the dark scar on Julchen’s face. She’d had it for as long as Annelisse had known her, since they were eight years old and her family had moved in. But every time she had asked about how she had gotten it, Julchen had answered by hitting her, so now she had decided to let it go. If Julchen wanted anyone to know about it, she would tell at her own time. They heard Monika’s voice upstairs, and Julchen grinned.

“They’re so cute. Felicia is a great girl, they’re gonna be so happy together, and Felicia’s going to cook her delicious food every day,” said Julchen. She sat down in front of Annelisse and ate two cookies at once.

“All Felicia ever cooks is pasta,” said Annelisse, biting a cookie. Small bites, like she had been taught. She didn’t understand why Julchen was so infatuated with Felicia, and it sometimes annoyed her. She told herself that it was because Julchen tended to be extra obnoxious when she was excited about anything. Yet somehow, she didn’t feel the same way when Julchen talked endlessly about what a wonder Monika was. Those were feelings she also didn’t want think about.

“She can cook anything. She once made sushi and it was delicious. Ahh, I hope they will let me help plan their wedding,” she said with a dreamy look.

“You already want them to get married? They’re too young, and besides, gay marriage isn’t even legal in this state, or in Germany,” said Annelisse. She gritted  her teeth when she thought of how perfectly legal her marriage would be. “And don’t you feel uncomfortable talking about your sister like that?” She noticed that Julchen had a bit of chocolate on the side of her mouth but completely failed to notice.

“I’m always happy for anything good that happens to my little sister. Being with someone that you love is the best feeling ever, especially if they return your feelings,” said Julchen, and ate another cookie.

“What do you mean? How could you be with someone if they don’t return your feelings?” asked Annelisse. The tips of her fingers felt cold again.

“People can coexist next to each other, you know?” said Julchen, and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “And when you love someone and just want them to be happy, that is sometimes enough.”

Monika came running down the stairs. “I’m sorry Annelisse, I didn’t expect to take so long with that call,” she said.

Annelisse smiled. “Don’t worry. Let’s start,” she said, and followed her up to her bedroom.

Annelisse started by studying the way she held the pen while writing. It was still too harsh, even if Monika tried to write with softer strokes.

“Here, don’t hold it with so much strength,” said Annelisse, holding Monika’s hand to correct her position. “Try to relax. Think of something that makes you feel calm and relax your hands.”

Monika closed her eyes. “I can’t think of anything relaxing. Uhm, what would you think about?” she asked.

That question took Annelisse by surprise. “Well, I…I guess playing the piano. When I want to feel calm, I play the piano…,” she said. It didn’t feel like the truth. Because playing piano wasn’t relaxing. Sometimes it was hard, and often frustrating. Yet, in a way, when she played, she felt as if something inside her was at peace. Something that reveled in the music despite the frustration and the tiredness. But she felt that she wouldn’t be able to explain it, so instead she looked away and let go of Monika’s hand. “Isn’t there anything you like doing?”

“Not like that. I’m not good with music, or painting, or anything artistic like you or Felicia. That’s why I tried to learn calligraphy, so I could do pretty stuff like Felicia, but…” Monika seemed to struggle with the words. “My big sister says that I just need practice, but art seems like it needs something that you’re born with.”

Annelisse shook her head. “Born with? The only thing you’re born with is a desire to know and to do the things you like. I wasn’t born knowing how to play piano, and Felicia wasn’t born knowing how to paint. You just do the things you like, and talent is born from that,” she said, petting Monika’s hair. She honestly didn’t know where talent was born from, but she liked to think that it would come to her from the hours of practice she stole from everything else in her life. It made her feel less guilty.

 

10

 

At home, she tried to take a picture of her piano, to have something other than her picture of Julchen on her instagram. She took a picture in front of it, one from the side. She had no idea what she was trying to show, but wanted to show something. She chose a photo, and a filter and uploaded it. She noticed that Francine and Julchen had already liked the photo Julchen had taken at school, and frowned. She hated the confused look she had in it, but she also couldn’t bring herself to delete it.

She went to Francine’s profile and scrolled down to the photos of the lobby boy. There were no comments on them. Which was strange, since her photos usually had a bunch of them. They could have been deleted, but…why?

Annelisse gritted her teeth and, before she could talk herself out of it, sent a message to Francine. “Hi, I think I’ll keep the instagram thing. By the way, who is that busboy in your photos from last October?”

Annelisse’s mom called from the kitchen. “Anne, your dad’s here!”

Annelisse pocketed her cell phone and walked to the dinning room. Her dad was already there, taking off his tie.

“It went smoothly today. They accepted out third proposal, thank god,” he was saying, and smiled at Annelisse when she came in. “Hi princess, how was your day?”

“Good,” she said. She hoped that he wouldn’t ask about her calculus practice test. She had gotten a B+ on that one, and he wouldn’t like that.

“And why were you taking photos of the piano?” he asked.

“Just…to show to people at school…,” she said, moving slowly towards the door.

“You should take photos with Mátyáz to show off at school,” said her mother.

Annelisse gritted her teeth. “I like my piano,” she said, annoyed at her mother always mentioning her boyfriend.

“Hopefully not more than your boyfriend. That might break Mátyáz’s heart,” said her mother.

Annelisse left.

When she got back to her room, she saw that Julchen had liked the photo of her piano, but Francine hadn’t replied to her.

 

11

 

The next day though, Francine rang her doorbell at 7 in the morning.

“What is she doing here?” asked Annelisse’s mom, putting on her earrings. “Did you invite her?”

“No. I don’t know why she came,” said Annelisse, straightening her long skirt. She had barely finished getting dressed.

Francine rang the doorbell again. “Bonjour! Anne dear, let’s go to school together!” she called from outside the door.

Annelisse’s mom gave an exasperated sigh. “This girl, does she even have any decency?” she said, before opening the door with a smile. “Hi Francine, what a surprise!”

“Good morning ma’am. I hope Annelisse hasn’t left already.”

“Oh, no, she’s right here,” she signaled for Francine to get into the house just as Annelisse came down the stairs with her book bag.

“Hi Anne. I thought we could go to school together today,” said Francine. “I brought my car.”

Annelisse’s mother narrowed her eyes at Francine. “You shouldn’t have bothered dear. The driver always takes her to school, and-“

“Oh, it’s no bother. Come on, let’s go Anne,” said Francine, and after a slight bow at Annelisse’s mother, she walked out.

“What is wrong with her?” asked her mother in a whisper.

Annelisse shrugged and followed Francine to her car.

“Did you have breakfast already? I brought some sandwiches,” said Francine, opening the door for her.

Annelisse got into the car and coughed at the intense scent of roses that filled it. “Did you dump a bottle of roses perfume in here or what?” said Annelisse, covering her nose.

Francine laughed at her, but opened the windows. “You’re always complaining about all my perfumes! Even the ones I choose for Jul. You don’t like the one I gave Antonieta either or did you just sniff Jul?”

“What?” squeaked Annelisse. She could feel her face heating up.

“Jul sent me a message yesterday that you didn’t seem to like her perfume. Which is nonsense because it’s perfect for her. Perfect!” she said, and started the car.

“I just asked her what perfume she wore, that’s all. I didn’t know you still gave them perfumes as Christmas gifts,” said Annelisse.

“You’re the only one I stopped giving Christmas gifts after you won the Teen Vogue modeling contest and I didn’t. I was so angry then! So angry, like you can’t even imagine,” she said, hitting the wheel and grinning the way Julchen did when she was about to do something mean.

Annelisse held on to her bag, realizing that she was trapped in a car with her number one rival. “W-were you?” she stammered out, looking at the road.

“Yeah, I cried so bad and broke my diet. I ate an entire pint of chocolate ice cream.”

Annelisse looked down at her hands. She had thought that Francine hadn’t even minded about that contest. After all, she hadwon the Bourjoise ad campaign just a few days later. Why was Francine being so honest with her all of a sudden? Or she could be lying about everything, just to lure her to…to what? Annelisse saw traps and dangers everywhere already, but none of them had a clear form. It was just a feeling of danger all around, oppressing and asphyxiating.

“I thought you didn’t even care about that contest…,” said Annelisse in a soft voice.

“I did. But it doesn’t matter now. I’ll get you a nice perfume this year. Something that fits a pianist,” she said. All anger had vanished from her face.

“Why?” asked Annelisse. She was tired. Too tired.

“Because you’re a pianist,” said Francine.

“No. I want to know why you’re being nice to me. Why are you suddenly talking to me like we have always been friends? If you’re planning anything just stop already. I stopped modeling, so we have nothing to fight about now,” said Annelisse. She turned the engagement ring in her hand. Around and around. A promise.

“Hmmm, that… I was hoping you wouldn’t ask anything about it. Dumb, I know. How would you not ask about it, right?” she parked at the school. It was too early for anyone to be there yet. Francine turned off the car and sighed. “I didn’t expect you to ask about Jean though.”

Annelisse remembered the boy from the photos without comments. “Is he the one on your-?“

“Instagram? Yeah. I deleted all the comments. We met when I went to work on the second Bourjoise ad campaign. He worked at the hotel I stayed in. We fell in love, the typical love story in Paris. But you know what’s weird? I felt like I knew him before,” she said, and looked at a picture of them together on her phone. She smiled and showed it to Annelisse. “He hated taking photos. He was so serious in some ways, but when he asked me that first day ‘Have I met you before?’ I knew what I felt was true. I told him that I wanted to stay with him in France, but he said that was dumb. That we had all our life to be together, and we should both finish school. He was going to go to college this year.”

“Was?” asked Annelisse before she could stop herself.

“He died in a fire six months after we met. A short circuit in the hotel. He couldn’t get out in time. Burning is such an ugly way to die, don’t you think?” asked Francine, looking at Annelisse with a sad smile.

Annelisse opened her mouth, but found no words she could say.

“Sorry,” said Francine, and scoffed out a laugh. “I just think about that sometimes.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t…,” the words died in Annelisse’s throat.

“No, I didn’t want anyone to know. Julchen and Antonieta knew, because I couldn’t stop telling them about how happy I was. About how happy I would be going to college in France and being with him. It’s funny, but the last message he sent me was ‘I hope you made your homework this time. Love you.’ Idiot.” She laughed looking up at the ceiling of the car. “And now I am only left with my love for him. Fire cannot take that away from me. Fire cannot take away the love I have. For him, for life, for the work that I do… The love we give and receive. That is the only thing worth anything in life. I could not give him all the love I have for him. But even if we both had lived to a hundred years, I wouldn’t have been able to love him enough.” She took a deep breath.  “So in a way that’s why I’m trying to be nice to you now. Because there is not enough life to waste it with petty resentment.”

They sat in silence for a moment. Annelisse wanted desperately to say something, anything, but a pressing weight in her chest had frozen her in place.

Julchen banged on the ceiling of the car and pressed her face against the windshield.

Annelisse shrieked.

“Whut are you doing there?” asked Julchen, face still pressed against the glass.

Antonieta came and pulled her away from the windshield.

“Isn’t she funny?” asked Francine, laughing. She got out of the car. “Get off my car! You’re cleaning it, you know?”

Julchen pouted. “What were you doing there? Tell me! Tell me!”

“Nuhuh. A lady keeps her secrets, honhonhon” said Francine.

Annelisse got out of the car, and found that the cold pressure in her chest was gone. In fact, when she looked at Julchen sticking out her tongue at Francine, she realized she felt much lighter.

“Where’s my candy?” demanded Annelisse, extending her palms.

“What candy?” asked Julchen.

“No candy, no lessons for Monika,” she said, and reveled in the panicked look on Julchen’s face.

“What?! D-damit. I’ll give you your candy later, alright?” said Julchen.

They walked into the school together.

 

12

 

Annelisse closed her locker. She had homeroom next, and she didn’t feel like staying in a classroom doing nothing. She had already done all her homework, so why bother? What she needed was more piano practice.

She turned towards the stairs, and went up to the third floor, to the old piano room. She closed the door behind her and sat down. There was indeed something relaxing in feeling the keys under her fingers. Something she might have even called beautiful.

Someone opened the door, and Annelisse looked up to see a tall, pale figure enter the classroom.

“Ivana,” said Annelisse. She didn’t feel like being polite.

“Hi Annelisse. Why are you frowning? I brought you something you’ll like,” said Ivana in a soft voice. She approached the piano, and Annelisse put her music sheet back on her book bag. Ivana took a bunch of lollipops out of her pockets and showed them to her.

“What’s that for? I don’t want any candy,” said Annelisse, feeling dread creeping up on her.

“I want you to be my friend. You do things if people give you candy, right?” said Ivana, in that cold, low voice of hers.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Annelisse, getting up from the stool.

“If I kiss it will you take them?”

“I-I don’t know what…,” stammered Annelisse. She felt the wall behind her and knew she was cornered.

“You like Julchen’s candies, but you don’t like Matyaz’s pastries. How picky you are!” said Ivana, stepping forward.

“I…I…,” stuttered Annelisse.

Ivana was too close. Too close.

Annelisse ran away. She pushed Ivana away and ran out of the classroom as fast as she could. The bell rang, and people started coming out of the classrooms, but she didn’t mind them. She just ran down the stairs trying to be as far as possible from the coldness that was Ivana. She looked behind her, to see if she was being followed, but she saw no tall pale figures, so she breathed a sigh of relief.

And hit against someone.

She fell down screaming and rolled on the floor until a pair of strong hands held her.

“Shit, Anne, are you alright?” said Julchen.

Annelisse looked up at her red eyes. One of Julchen’s hands was on her head, and Annelisse realized that she had stopped her from hitting her head against the corner of a wall.

“I…I’m…,” she jumped up to her feet.

“Uh, you’re alright” said Julchen, letting go of her. She went to recover her backpack and a small box she had dropped. “That’s good, but you made me drop this, and you’re not going to like it if-“

Annelisse pulled her arm. “Come, we have to get away,” she ordered, and dragged her out of the school. She looked around, searching for anywhere that felt like a good hiding place, but everywhere was full of eyes. Everywhere was dangerous.

Julchen held her hand. “You wanna hide somewhere? Let’s go,” she said, and pulled her towards the football field. They ran past it, until they reached the small woods next to the school. By the time Julchen stopped, Annelisse was out of breath, and she sat down next to the closest tree.

“There was nowhere closer?” she asked, panting from exertion. This was the most she had run in the entire year.

“Geez, you can’t run a mile without collapsing,” said Julchen and sat down next to her.

“No, no I don’t think I can,” said Annelisse. “But Ivana was following me, and I was not going to let her catch me. Hell knows what she would do.”

“What? Why was she chasing you? Did she do anything to you? I’ll beat her up!”

Anneliesse put a hand over her chest. Her lungs felt like they were on fire. “No, I’m fine. I’m…fine,” she said, and waved a hand at Julchen. She didn’t feel like explaining what Ivana had said. After all…no, she would rather not talk about it.

“I’ll be your bodyguard then. If she tries anything, pow!” she hit her palm with her fist, smirking.

“Don’t be stupid,” said Annelisse. She looked at the small box that Julchen had left on the ground next to her. “What’s that?”

“It’s your payment,” said Julchen, and opened the box. Inside were little balls of bright colors. “These are Little Tears. I got them from Antonieta,” she put a red one on Annelisse’s palm. “They’re filled with liquid of different flavors. Just put it in your mouth. It’ll melt,” she said, and took a green one, held it up against the light, and put it in her mouth. “Kesesese! This one’s mint!”

Annelisse looked at the creases that formed around her eyes when she laughed, and how her scar moved when she took another candy and put it in her mouth. She was so close that her perfume was almost overwhelming. Or it might have just been the scent of the trees and the earth around them, because Julchen always smelled like something green and free and alive. Annelisse looked away from her to the small red candy in her hand, and put it in her mouth. It was soft and didn’t taste like anything at first. She turned it in her mouth with her tongue, when the thin sugar coating broke, and spilled a liquid that tasted of raspberry and sugar.

“It’s so frail!” she said, biting of the pieces of sugar in her mouth.

“Yeah. Look, there’s lemon, and anise, and…hell, I don’t know. A lot,” said Julchen, picking a bunch of different colors.

She put another one on Annelisse’s hands. An orange one. Annelisse broke it quickly with her tongue, and smiled at the flavor inside. Then she took Julchen’s hand and picked a blue one. Julchen’s fingers were as dry and callused as she had expected. Everything about her seemed so right, and so free.

“What’s this one?” asked Annelisse, looking at the way the sunlight hit the blue liquid inside the Little Tear. She didn’t wait for a reply, and put it in her mouth. It broke and spilled something that tasted fresh. Sort of minty,sort of lemony... “I can’t tell what flavor this is,” she said.

Julchen touched the side of her face and turned her so that Annelisse was looking straight at her bright red eyes. “Let me see,” she said, and kissed her.

Her lips were chapped, and dry, and Annelisse opened her mouth to taste the sweetness of her tongue. She touched Julchen’s face, and let her hands tangle in her hair. Julchen moaned, and Annelisse wanted to know every inch of her. To know if all her skin was as harsh as he hands, and to bury her face in her tangled white hair.

 

13

 

That evening, she walked into her house to find her mom waiting for her in the living room.

“Where were you?” she asked, clenching her perfectly manicured hands.

“I…” started Annelisse, thinking of something that didn’t include Julchen.

“The school called me, saying you weren’t there after second period, so answer me. Where were you?”

Annelisse looked down at the floor. “I was playing piano on the third floor, in the closed old music room,” she lied. Her mom sighed.

“I’ve been so worried. How could you do that? How could you skip class like nothing? And just to play with the piano. That’s enough, Anne, I’m getting rid of the piano.”

“No!” cried Annelisse. A car parked in front of the house.

“There’s your father. I called him when I couldn’t find you. You have a lot of explaining to do, young lady,” said her mother.

Her father entered the house, walking with long strides to Annelisse. “Who is that girl?” he demanded, grabbing at her arm and shaking her.

Annelisse cried out, and her mother tried to separate them.

“What are you talking about dear?” she asked, pushing him away.

“Someone sent me photos of her and other white haired girl _kissing_ at school,” he said, glaring down at Annelisse in disgust. “What does that mean Annelisse? Speak!”

Annelisse took a step back, trembling. Her mind had gone blank.

“No, that can’t be right,” said her mother, waving her hands in front of her, her voice trembling with denial. “That’s not…no, no.”

Her father took out his cell phone and showed her the photos. Annelisse felt all the color draining from her face and her blood run cold. This was it wasn’t it? Her mother started crying.

“Do you understand what this means? Do you think this is a game? If anyone had seen you… If Mátyáz had seen you doing this he would be disgusted,” said her father.

Annelisse wanted to scream. “I don’t care about him. I don’t love him.”

“Have you gone crazy?” asked her mother, stalking towards her. Annelisse retreated. “Why are you acting like this? Was this one of Francine’s ideas? Did she tell you kiss girls now and you went along?!”

“No! No! No one told me anything!” cried Annelisse. She felt cornered and wanted to lash out in despair. “I don’t like Mátyáz. I don’t want to marry him. I kissed Julchen. Stop! Stop telling me what I should like or not, I’m tired!” she said, her voice quivering and breaking at the end. Her vision blurred and she felt hot tears down her face.

“Tired? Of what?” demanded her father, grabbing her arm again and making her scream. “Of the perfect life you have? Are you bored with it and want to throw it all away because it tires you? All you do is play all day and don’t care about anything! You don’t care about your family, or your future, and you dare say you’re _tired_?”

“You would see us ruined before lifting a finger to do anything!” yelled her mother, and threw the cell phone at her. It hit her on the side of the head. “You have gotten only the best in life, and it’s made you this arrogant! Well then, go and do whatever you want!” she grabbed her and dragged her to the door.

“No! Mom! Wait please!” cried Annelisse. She couldn’t see anything through the tears, and her glasses fell off when she tripped over the carpet.

“Out! You don’t like this life, then leave with your disgusting dyke friends and see how the world treats you!” she threw her out of the house. From the side of the house, her driver and one of the maids looked at her with concern, but didn’t say anything.

Her mother pushed her out of the garden gates and threw her on the ground.

“Mom, please don’t!”said Annelisse, crying. She stumbled to get up and saw her mother closing the gates on her face.

“Come back when you have learned some humility!” she said, and left.

A sob racked Annelisse’s body, and she ran away.

 

14

 

Monika yelled at Julchen to go and see why the dogs were barking so much. Julchen whined from her position lying on the couch. After eight, she usually clocked out and watched as much mindless tv as possible.

“Why me?” she asked.

“I’m on the phone!” called Monika from upstairs. These days she spent most of the time on the phone with Felicia, or in real life with Felicia.

“Fine, fine! Just because I’m such a great sister!” said Julchen and got up. On top of her head, her little bird Gilly woke up and started peeping excitedly. “You too? What’s up with everyone tonight?”

She walked to the kitchen door that led to the garden and saw the dogs pacing around Blackie’s dog house and whining. She opened the door.

“What is it now?” she asked them. Even since she had first gotten Gilly, she was convinced she could talk to animals and fully believed that they understood her perfectly. “Won’t you let me watch tv in peace?”

Something moved in Blackie’s house and Julchen grabbed a broom. “What the hell?” she muttered as she walked to the house, and poked inside with the broom’s handle.

“Stop that!” cried someone inside, and Julchen knew the voice immediately.

“Anne?” she asked, getting to her knees to peer inside the dog house.

Inside, Annelisse huddled and sniffled. “I didn’t know where to go,” she mumbled, not looking at her.

“So you hid in my dog’s house? What the hell Anne? What happened? Are you alright? Get out of there before I drag you out,” said Julchen.

Annelisse crawled out of the house. Her long hair held leaves and branches in tangles, and her clothes were dirty and stained all over.

“Oh, my god Anne, what happened? Tell me something, I’m going crazy here!” said Julchen, holding her hands up as if she wanted to hold her, but didn’t know if she should get any closer.

“My parents found out, and they kicked me out.” said Annelisse, her voice broke at the end and started sobbing.

Julchen embraced her, holding her as the sobs racked her body.

 

15

 

It took a while before Annelisse could calm down, and Julchen convinced her to take a bath and gave her one of her pajamas.

“What was it?” asked Monika, coming out of her room as Julchen was taking Annelisse’s clothes to the laundry room.

“Anne hid in Blacky’s house because her parents kicked her out of the house for kissing me. And also she’s an idiot,” said Julchen, and threw the clothes on the washer. They wouldn’t be dry for tomorrow though, since their drier had broken last week.

“What? I don’t-…you kissed her? Why did she hide in the dog’s house?” asked Monika. It was too much information for her to take in.

It had been too much information for Julchen to take in, and she wasn’t sure of exactly what had happened, but she knew that she had to help Anne and make sure she felt safe before anything else.

“Hell if I know,” she said, and started the washer.

“So you two…,” said Monika, trailing off and blushing.

Julchen rubbed at her eyes. “Are together? I don’t know. I hope. Otherwise this would be really silly, uh? I mean, if she’s going to go back with Mátyáz anyway,” she said, and leaned against the washer.

“But you two kissed.”

“We sure did,” said Julchen.

Monika smiled faintly. “That’s good. I always thought that…I don’t know how to say it. Like you two were so close, in certain ways. It always felt so tense when you two stood next to each other. Like you both were waiting for the other to act,” she said. There was a slight blush in her cheeks, and Julchen smiled.

“That’s got to be the most romantic thing you’ve said lil’ sis,” said Julchen, punching her on the arm on her way out. “I guess it was like that… Hmm, no, I _know_ it was. After what happened with Francine and Jean, I sometimes had nightmares about fire. Sometimes about water, and others just…time. In all of those nightmares she left me, and every day I knew was a day that I wouldn’t get to spend with her, but man; love makes cowards of us all, eh?”

Gilly came flying down from the second floor, peeping and settled on Julchen’s head. A moment later, Annelisse walked down the stairs, dressed in an old pajama with smiling birds printed all over it.

“Are all your things bird themed?” asked Annelisse, trying to glare, but her reddened eyes and puffy face made her look like she was pouting.

“Sadly not all,” said Julchen, and pinched Annelisse’s cheek.

“Stop thaaat!” she said, batting away Julchen’s hands.

Monika fidgeted. “Uhm, I’m…I’m going to sleep now. If you need anything…uh, just tell me. Yeah. I’m…leaving now,” she said, bowed, and went back to her room.

“She’s so cute!” said Julchen.

“I’m sorry,” whispered Annelisse. She picked at the edges of her sleeves. “I’m inconveniencing you and Monika…”

“Is that why you hid in the dog’s house instead of knocking on the door?” asked Julchen, draping an arm around her shoulders and placing a light kiss on her cheek.

Annelisse blushed. “In part. I was scared, and embarrassed, and I didn’t know how to explain anything. I thought I’d think about it for a bit…in the dog house, but it didn’t work.”

Julchen laughed. “Kesesese! Well I’m glad it didn’t work. Knowing you, you would have spent all night there!” she grabbed a tray that had a plate with sandwiches and cookies and two mugs filled with hot chocolate.

“I wouldn’t! I just needed time to think of some way to explain everything,” said Annelisse, making that pouty glare again.

“Nah, you would have stayed there. And you wouldn’t have kissed me if I hadn’t done it first. But that’s you, and that’s fine, and I love you anyway, indecision and all,” said Julchen, and opened the door to her room.

“You…what?” asked Annelisse, frozen on the spot.

Julchen scoffed out a laugh. This was so like her. To see something and not recognize it at all. “I love you,” she said. “Do you want me to shout it? Monika will hear.”

Annelisse shook her head, and entered Julchen’s room, closing the door immediately behind her.

“She knows,” said Julchen, setting the tray on the floor. “I think she knew before I knew.”

“Is this your room?” asked Annelisse, looking at the blanket fortress that covered half the room and the series of lights weaving in and out of the blankets.

“It is my room, but don’t think I sleep like this every day,” says Julchen, pulling aside a blanket and showing the inside to Annelisse. “The bed is too small for two, so I made do with what I had. Come in.”

Annelisse kneels down and crawls inside the tent. There are pillows everywhere, and the scent of chocolate fills the space. Annelisse breathes deeply, and feels that this is how home should feel. This is how she feels when she closes her eyes and presses her fingers to the piano keys.

“Thank you, Julchen,” she says, and kisses her on the tip of her nose. She hadn’t known she loved her. She just knew that she liked the memories of their time together, and that she liked the very essence that was her, harsh and fast; barreling through everything in her path and yet doing everything with such a comforting warmth that eased the coldness that lurked in Annelisse’s heart.

She hadn’t known that she loved her, but she knew that there was not enough life to lose even a day of this.

And maybe that was love, but she had just realized that.


End file.
